Breakthroughs

I cannot believe that 2016 went by so fast! It felt like it flew by just like that and its as if I'm still meant to do a lot of things but I ran out of time.

It was an interesting year I guess; it was quite difficult because I've been through a lot of emotional breakdowns. I became career driven again but reality eventually got to me and I realised that I am no longer my old self and it was difficult to pull off a double life (Wife/Mom vs Career Woman). 


I chose to stay in my current role and be better on it instead of taking a bigger responsibility because aside from it felt right and made more sense, it also felt like it was the right fit for me and for once, it felt like I really belonged which made me even happier. 


I wanted to do a lot of things, I wanted to try new hobbies but I got so lazy! Maybe it was also because I got so busy with my double life and it felt like I was burnt out but I did not want to admit it; so I just stopped doing things and just waited for the year to be over. 

It was a great deal of emotional roller coaster but the past year also gave me so much life lessons which I am very grateful for and I wanted to make sure that I'm able to use it this year. 

My year ended quietly but it started painfully. Ha! So what happened? My husband and I fought the night of new years and my Mom called the next day to ambush me with accusations of things I apparently did; it was another breakdown. At that point, I seriously hoped that I would just pass out to make it all go away. It felt like the whole world was coming after me, it felt like hell. I was deeply hurt. 

A lot of things started rushing in my head, all the bad feelings I've been keeping to myself all along, all memories that I chose to bury and never remember, everything that I've selectively forgotten came back and I did not realise that I had a lot. It crushed me so bad. 

I wanted to get angry, I wanted them to feel how I felt so they can understand how they made me feel all these years. I wanted to shut everyone out. I wanted to go away and never return but I did not feel a thing. Yes, I cried but at the same time it felt like I was in a limbo. Everything was blank. 

And for the first time in years, I spoke to my husband and told him how I felt. How I felt about him and how I felt about everyone else and it felt so good. He just listened and gave me a good hug. It was just what I needed that time. 

I wanted to say more, talk about my feelings more but I still couldn't. I had to stop. I just wanted him to listen but I also did not want to overwhelm him.

I began analysing my situation, I started thinking about my next move but unlike before, I did not feel  scared and threatened of the thought that I might be in a fight with my family. Instead, I was certain that I did not want to talk yet. I did not want to call to apologise because I knew in my heart that I did not do anything wrong.

It took me a lot of courage to make the first move on the same day, I sent them a text message and  even if it greatly hurt my pride, I've decided to end it and took the higher road because I realised that with all of the hurtful words I received that day, one thing remained true, I am blessed.

I am blessed because despite what happened the past two days, it allowed me to be vulnerable which made me see how much I've grown. There were a lot of breakdowns but it also gave me so much breakthroughs which made me stronger and wiser. 

Saying goes that when you start the year sad, you will definitely be sad the whole year. What I've learned in the past year? To heck with all the sayings! It's what we make out of our choices that builds our future. We should not be afraid to experience life as it is because bad days make us appreciate the good and best days.

To more of life's battles & struggles, to living with courage & finding breakthroughs; And to hope for better tomorrows.