Redefined

It was last Sunday when I took my first step towards another unfamiliar world; I was invited by one of my friends to join a V-Group (Victory Group) and for some strange reason, when she asked me, I immediately said yes with no hesitation.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I was curious? I was so curious how most of the people I knew who belonged to the same organisation (I don’t even know if that’s a correct term) had that same joy in their faces. Despite hardships, they all seemed to be happy & fulfilled; or is it because I’ve been reading blogs of different people who have given their testimonies on how they have been saved? Or is it because for such a long time, I’ve been searching for a place that will make me feel that I truly belong?

Breakthroughs

I cannot believe that 2016 went by so fast! It felt like it flew by just like that and its as if I'm still meant to do a lot of things but I ran out of time.

It was an interesting year I guess; it was quite difficult because I've been through a lot of emotional breakdowns. I became career driven again but reality eventually got to me and I realised that I am no longer my old self and it was difficult to pull off a double life (Wife/Mom vs Career Woman). 


I chose to stay in my current role and be better on it instead of taking a bigger responsibility because aside from it felt right and made more sense, it also felt like it was the right fit for me and for once, it felt like I really belonged which made me even happier. 


I wanted to do a lot of things, I wanted to try new hobbies but I got so lazy! Maybe it was also because I got so busy with my double life and it felt like I was burnt out but I did not want to admit it; so I just stopped doing things and just waited for the year to be over. 

It was a great deal of emotional roller coaster but the past year also gave me so much life lessons which I am very grateful for and I wanted to make sure that I'm able to use it this year. 

Tomorrow will be better

I had a very good chat with my manager last Friday. It was intended to be a catch up but ended to be a counselling session. He first asked about how my work-life balance was? It was surprising that I'm unable to answer directly and just responded, "It's okay."

Then, my attention was called because of an email I sent out to the PH Management team at ten in the evening because apparently it was way direct and strong that one of the managers escalated me to him & he did not like it. 

He did not like it because: 

1. It was too direct & strong 

2. Deadline given was unreasonable 

3. Threatening to give a sanction was just not acceptable 

4. It was written with high emotions & frustration 

5. Simply because it wasn't me. 

He gave me this feedback directly and told straight in my face that it was just not right & unacceptable. For some reason, even if his words were strong it did not offend me at all. It even made a lot of sense; and at that point, my mind started to run thoughts and I started to ask myself, how I really was? 

He then asked me, "What does the volcano do?"I immediately answered, "It erupts?" and he gave a follow up question, "What does it do when it hasn't erupted?" -- I could not answer. My mind stopped working because my eyes felt a bit watery and I had to focus not to wink because for sure, tears will go streaming down my eyes. He said, I was like a volcano when I sent that email. For some time, I was quiet, still & not doing anything until the tectonic plates moved, there was a lot of pressure because of compression and poof! - I erupted. 

It was just wrong, simply because I let my feelings out in a wrong channel and it was something that I could not take back and if I let it overcome me, it might just ruin everything that I worked hard for. He said that talking to someone about how you felt or simply just venting out is not bad and once in a while, we all need it. 

I couldn't help it. I just had to give in to what I was feeling so I winked and tears started falling in my eyes. I told him how frustrated I was and I wanted to say more but then it might not sound appropriate anymore. I might end up disclosing everything's that in my head & he may no longer be able to comprehend. 

I am grateful though because at least for that part, I was able to tell somebody that yes, I am tired and frustrated because it seems that here I am giving my 100% but it seems not to be working at all. But he told me that there are just really things that is beyond our control and we just have to let it be. 

It has been a really tough week for me. It was the worst week maybe because a lot of things are going on with my life and I wanted to keep up to it. Maybe it's also because I wanted to prove to everyone that I can do it but then I guess, it's also life's way of telling me, "slow down because you can only do so much." 

Adulthood is one heck of a ride but keeping in my mind what my good manager & mentor told me, "Don't stress, shrug it off & move on because tomorrow will be better." 

Happy 3rd year of Breastfeeding!

I am re-writing this entry simply because I wanted it to make more sense aside from bragging about reaching our 3rd year of breastfeeding; I wanted to share how this experience helped me in so many ways and how it made want to reach this far and still continue despite all the pressures of the real world. 

It is true. Breastfeeding is not easy. It is not magic and definitely not always a picture-perfect scene! There were a lot of things that I had to give up because I chose to exclusively breastfeed my daughter and just like other new moms or all moms in general, there were days when I just laid down in bed and thought of quitting. But I guess that's the magic of motherhood, you won't stop and will never stop for as long as it's for the benefit of your child. All sacrifices don't matter because there is this immense feeling of love that can never measured. 

I was very committed to breastfeed. I even joined a group because I was very passionate about this advocacy and I wanted to see other's experience as well. But after several months, I had to leave that group because it was starting to be too mainstream and I've observed that it's main purpose was being tarnished and most of its members started to shame others - especially the non-breastfeeding moms. I just couldn't stand it. 

In my line of work I also get to meet expectant & new moms and I always make it a point that I encourage them to do the same but all through out this journey, I also learned that breastfeeding is a choice & it should be a decision between the mother and child. If a mother chooses not to do it then that doesn't make her any less of the others. We all want what's best for our child. period. 

I have learned that it's okay to encourage and help others learn about our advocacy but forcing people to choose what we opted to do wouldn't work. We just really have to respect each other and be grateful. 

In the whole three years, I've experienced all types of responses from different people. May it be strangers, colleagues, friends and even family members. Some would even laugh at me and even question why do I still do it? At first I was really sensitive about it. I would really get upset and angry each time I am questioned about my choice but then as time passed by, I learned to simply let go and just did not let it bother me. 

That's why to all new moms out there, here's my advise: 

Do not be afraid to fight for what you believe in. Do not let others make your choice for you & definitely do not feel bad for not making the same choice as the others. Remember, breastfeeding or not, you should already be proud of yourself simply because - you are a mother & that's all that matters. :) 

Another Blessing

On the 5th of September, it will be our 3rd year living on our own. It was in 2013 & just two weeks after our daughter was born when we decided to rent a condo unit and make it our home. It will also be our 3rd year living in Pasig and I'm just loving it! 

Living on our own and moving out of the comfort of our parents houses (both sides) may be one of the most life changing decisions we've ever made but I am very happy that we did it. Running our own household is not easy but I enjoy it very much and despite the challenges of adulthood/parenthood, I wouldn't want it in any other way. 

Our main plan was to just rent a unit and eventually move to a condominium in Quezon City in 2018. We got it on a pre-selling term so the price that we needed to pay every month was not that costly. It was only a studio unit with an approximate floor area of 21sqm. I know...what were we thinking? We did not think so much of how will we fit our whole household there yet and but we thought of just upgrading to a bigger unit once we're near the turn over. 

But what the heck, right? 2018 is taking too long and a lot has happened. We also had few challenges in the past years (financially) so we decided to give it up and just settled in renting a unit for now. We  also had to move to a cheaper unit & sold Miguel's car because we really had to cut costs and manage our finances really well. 

It was a tough time indeed and I can say that we were really tested but knowing Miguel and I, we had to make things happen. We needed to make things happen because we have a child to look after, we have a child to bring up in this world. 

And as they say, the greater your storm is, the brighter your rainbow will be. We were able to find that rainbow and things have been easier ever since. I guess its because we were also able to adjust and really learn from the past. 

I feel very blessed because despite the challenging years, we are still able to have just enough that we need. We even got a bonus and we we're able to purchase our own car & just last June, we were able to find our own home. No more small spaces, no more parking hassles & most especially, no more renting! Well, at least until after we finish paying the full the down payment and that will be in February 2017. 

Photo credit: DMCI homes 

Goodbye, Yayas 9 & 10!

Eeep! We've lost our nanny again! 

Yaya #9 left us two weeks ago; found an immediate replacement and voila! Yaya #10 immediately left us too. Oh hay! Talk about being lucky (or not). Both gave several reasons why they had to leave and honestly, their reasons are really starting to get old. 

I'm just really grateful that my company is very flexible and my boss allowed me to work from home until such time that I'm able to find a replacement. But of course given the demands of my work I still go to work at least twice a week and just tag a long my little one. 

I'm just so proud of Janna (Chuchay as we fondly call her), she's been really patient and now that's she's able to understand better, it's easier to talk to her. She would also help me with the household chores, little by little I let her learn to do things in the house so that she can start having the concept of responsibility. 

For some reason, I really like this photo. It's blurred, out of focus but so cute! :p lol
20 Aug 2016 - Carousel Creamery

Losing yayas for countless of times can be really frustrating but at the same time it makes me really happy because I get to spend a lot of time with my daughter. I suppose all working mommies would agree to my sentiment that leaving home for work is the hardest. 

So there, we are off to finding a new Yaya and hopefully when we find one, this person can really stay for a LOOONG time without hesitations and would willingly want to become part of our family. I guess, I can only hope for now and cross my fingers! 

Back to Reading

It's been a while since I last held a book and read. If I'm not mistaken the last book I read was The Fault in Our Stars which I read before I gave birth to my daughter. She's turning three this August, so I guess, that has really been a long time. 

When I was younger, I really liked reading books. I was always in different bookstores looking for new books to read and sometimes, my whole day can just be allotted to reading inside my room. That was fun for me. Aside from reading books, I also like watching movies and yes, I was once that book fan who gets so disappointed with the different movie adaptations. :) 

I was never really a fan of e-books. I tried downloading two books online and I just ended up deleting it because I don't up reading it and it eats a lot of space in my phone or iPad. I really don't know why? I guess I find it less interesting since most of the time, it's either I'm holding my phone or I'm in front of my laptop and that's way less exciting than turning a book page. 

My life got really busy right after I turned 18. I was studies and I worked at the same time so I really had no time to read because I'd rather catch up on my Zs than read. I got really lazy; And of course when I got married and had a baby (not really in that order) I became more busy and any working mother can attest to the difficulties of finding your own quiet time. LOL. 

I'm not sure what led me to think about reading again? Well, I wanted my blog to have more sense? I want it to contain not just rants but meaningful thoughts too. So I've decided that maybe it's time for me to go back to reading and really allot time to read again. It might help me get away from Facebook or Instagram for a while - I need to widen my vocabularies again and widen my knowledge even more. I'm not getting any younger and my toddler is growing up really fast too. I want her to love books as well despite the awesome technology that we have now. 

So today, I am making a promise that instead of buying lipsticks and clothes, I will buy a book every payday and will try my very best to finish it before the next payday comes in; that's approximately 10 days. Yay! Can't wait!