Redefined

It was last Sunday when I took my first step towards another unfamiliar world; I was invited by one of my friends to join a V-Group (Victory Group) and for some strange reason, when she asked me, I immediately said yes with no hesitation.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I was curious? I was so curious how most of the people I knew who belonged to the same organisation (I don’t even know if that’s a correct term) had that same joy in their faces. Despite hardships, they all seemed to be happy & fulfilled; or is it because I’ve been reading blogs of different people who have given their testimonies on how they have been saved? Or is it because for such a long time, I’ve been searching for a place that will make me feel that I truly belong?

There were so much questions in my head, a lot of doubts and uncertainties but there was one thing I was sure about, I knew deep in my heart that I wanted God to hear and help me.

It was a Sunday afternoon in Starbucks when I met with these unfamiliar faces. They all looked pleasant but for some reason, I got so anxious that I might be getting into something that I might regret later.

I was born and raised in a Catholic home, studied in Catholic schools and attended Catholic Churches so attending a V-group for the first time scared the hell out of me! You see, growing up I always had that connotation in my head that Born Again Christians are all just self-righteous people thinking that it is only them who can be saved or they’d ask you to be one of them so you can also be saved. I don’t know, maybe it’s because that’s how our society stereotyped them as well.

So when I arrived that afternoon, I only had two big thoughts in my head. First – They might think I just attended for the sake of politeness to a friend who invited me and they’ll judge me for being Catholic. Second – I might be so bored and knowing myself, I’ll be the one judging them. But despite these, I knew that there was also a part in me that I wanted it to work. I wanted it to be a good experience too.

When the sharing started, I started running things in my head again. I was thinking what should I share that would not make them judge me but to my surprise, I fully shared how I felt. I told them how grateful I was despite everything that happened and I am grateful of where I am today.

I thought I was going to feel awkward when we prayed together, when they prayed for me in public. I thought I was going to feel ashamed when we started talking about God while inside a coffee shop whom I’ve known to be my place for gossiping with friends or office meetings.

But, no. I enjoyed the moment. I listened intently and at that moment, I felt that I was at the right place. It felt so good that I almost cried.

Attending that Bible study session redefined my perspective about it. Yes, typical me would say it’s so baduy; Afternoon in Starbucks with people you barely knew would talk about the word of God? It’s like social suicide for me! But no, at that point, I understood that my understanding was too shallow. It’s really not just that. It’s more than what I imagined. It helped me understand it more.

I posted a photo of my first V-group experience in my social media accounts and oh boy! People got so curious that they started asking me if I have converted to a new religion. Some even said, that eventually they will ask me to convert too.

But again, that was another redefining moment for me. It’s not true! Never did I hear that I was asked to convert. In fact, me being a catholic did not even bother them at all. They even kept repeating to me that our different religions should not matter because it’s really our relationship with God that matters; and for me, it meant so much because I was not being forced to do something that I was not ready for.

Today, I attended their Worship Service. It was my first ever and in my mind, I wanted to just experience it so that I won’t have any questions anymore. Again, I got so scared that I might hear people singing “Alive! Alive” which would definitely might be a major turn off for me because it will just be what I expected it to be. But again, I was wrong. Funny because there were actually a lot of stereotypical stories that I have disproved today.

During the Praise and Worship as they call it, People stood up and 5 people were on stage with their guitars on. They all looked happy and content. I don’t know, all of them had that aura.

Then they started singing and I stood there and just listened. I read through the lyrics of the song and I started feeling that there was something in my throat. It was so difficult to swallow and my vision was getting blurry. I already had an idea what it was and I was trying to fight it but I couldn’t. So I closed my eyes and there I started to cry.

At that moment, it felt like the song explained the exact feelings that I have been keeping all along. I felt so vulnerable but at the same time understood; And even without words, I knew that God understood me. He heard me.

I looked everywhere and all the people in the room seemed to be experiencing the same feeling I was having; and for so many weeks that I have been feeling so abandoned at that very moment, I knew I wasn’t alone. He was with me.

When the Pastor asked “Who among you want to surrender your life to Jesus?” I could have raised my hand because I was already in that moment but I didn’t. I knew that I wasn’t ready.

In just two days, I’ve learned so much. It was really a redefining experience for me and as clichè as it may sound, this is the only time I can say that I fully understood what it meant to say that God is Love.

The unexplainable feeling or high that people get when they genuinely accept him cannot really be fathomed.

Now, I understand better.

I wanted to share this because I want people to know that there’s so much more that we can bring out from our faith; Especially to those who’s the same as me, having just one perspective may put us in a box which may not help us find our true identity. We might be shying away from the true happiness that we deserve. God is so amazing that he will always find ways to touch our lives.

Without sounding too preachy, Catholic or Christian (both are still Christians anyway, right?) it does not really matter. God is so much bigger than that.

For now, I can only hope that someday, I can speak his word without shame too. I can pray without ceasing and be able to fully surrender my life without holding back too. I don’t know when will that be but when it comes, I know I’ll be ready.