Tomorrow will be better

I had a very good chat with my manager last Friday. It was intended to be a catch up but ended to be a counselling session. He first asked about how my work-life balance was? It was surprising that I'm unable to answer directly and just responded, "It's okay."

Then, my attention was called because of an email I sent out to the PH Management team at ten in the evening because apparently it was way direct and strong that one of the managers escalated me to him & he did not like it. 

He did not like it because: 

1. It was too direct & strong 

2. Deadline given was unreasonable 

3. Threatening to give a sanction was just not acceptable 

4. It was written with high emotions & frustration 

5. Simply because it wasn't me. 

He gave me this feedback directly and told straight in my face that it was just not right & unacceptable. For some reason, even if his words were strong it did not offend me at all. It even made a lot of sense; and at that point, my mind started to run thoughts and I started to ask myself, how I really was? 

He then asked me, "What does the volcano do?"I immediately answered, "It erupts?" and he gave a follow up question, "What does it do when it hasn't erupted?" -- I could not answer. My mind stopped working because my eyes felt a bit watery and I had to focus not to wink because for sure, tears will go streaming down my eyes. He said, I was like a volcano when I sent that email. For some time, I was quiet, still & not doing anything until the tectonic plates moved, there was a lot of pressure because of compression and poof! - I erupted. 

It was just wrong, simply because I let my feelings out in a wrong channel and it was something that I could not take back and if I let it overcome me, it might just ruin everything that I worked hard for. He said that talking to someone about how you felt or simply just venting out is not bad and once in a while, we all need it. 

I couldn't help it. I just had to give in to what I was feeling so I winked and tears started falling in my eyes. I told him how frustrated I was and I wanted to say more but then it might not sound appropriate anymore. I might end up disclosing everything's that in my head & he may no longer be able to comprehend. 

I am grateful though because at least for that part, I was able to tell somebody that yes, I am tired and frustrated because it seems that here I am giving my 100% but it seems not to be working at all. But he told me that there are just really things that is beyond our control and we just have to let it be. 

It has been a really tough week for me. It was the worst week maybe because a lot of things are going on with my life and I wanted to keep up to it. Maybe it's also because I wanted to prove to everyone that I can do it but then I guess, it's also life's way of telling me, "slow down because you can only do so much." 

Adulthood is one heck of a ride but keeping in my mind what my good manager & mentor told me, "Don't stress, shrug it off & move on because tomorrow will be better."